• Write for The Signpost. Everyone will always adore what you have to say, especially if it's in an Opinion or Humour column.
• Make small changes to every article you can think of as fast as you can.
  • You should make sure every article is written in the correct version of English.
  • Bonus points if your edits just look pretty, or feature red and green (you have to be festive for the Christmas season).
  • Extra bonus points if you run a bot without telling anyone.
• Create articles for everything you see on the news, especially if it's just normal stuff, like when the library is closed next.
  • Bonus points if you create thousands of articles about populated places.
  • Extra bonus points if you just make things up.
• Edit every subject your local politicians talk about and only ever take their word for what the truth is. When people tell you that you need to cite reliable sources, accuse them of being biased shills and revert every edit they've ever made.
  • If the previous suggestion is too difficult, only edit articles about one topic. Some good options are tree shaping, neuro-linguistic programming, and Scientology.
• Never communicate with others. You may think that this would be helpful, but you would be wrong. Other editors would rather be editing content instead of talking with you and if you ignore them, they don't have to write a reply!
  • If you're too extroverted for this to work, constantly tell people about how awesome you are and how you could never be replaced. Never be polite, because only weak cowards do that!
    • If you are a coward, exhaust your enemies with words and time.
• If you get taken to a noticeboard, remind people that they are wasting their time and that what they really should be doing is writing like you.
  • You should also remind people that you are always right and that you never get blocked for long.
  • Explain that it wasn't actually you who made those horrible edits, but your grandpa.
• When you get blocked, make sure to create new accounts and repeat the same behaviour. Consider your sockpuppet investigation page to be a trophy collection where each entry adds to your score. Be so persistent that thousands of innocent people get caught in the crossfire.

Oh, you were looking for how to make friends on Wikipedia? This is actually meant to be a checklist on how to make so many enemies that people don't want you to come back. Please don't follow this guide as if it was serious advice. That will be in the guide for how to make enemies.